semi-daily journal of my thoughts and feelings(hopefully) On my life living in the Rocky Mountains...
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| rkymtnmusings semi-daily journal of my thoughts and feelings(hopefully) On my life living in the Rocky Mountains... .
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5/22/2002 ...It is very dark..this place I go to sometimes...It comes..not like dusk at the setting of the sun..but like the ever darkening,roiling,expanding clouds of a coming storm..with it bringing a sense of despair and foreboding... ..If you could comprehend the wrenching feeling of being at the helm of a runaway train with no method of stopping it..but surely headed for some horrific demise, you might have a sense of the inclimate darkness of the dead-end road that I am traveling down..not being able to stop , ...and yet Knowing your chances of rebirth or rejuvenation disappear with each step...That, ultimately, your choices grow fewer and fewer-your chances of escape in any way but ONE grow more remote...negligible.. -This is not The Devil I am fighting-this is not a turning away from God...This is not MY idea of Hell on Earth..for, at least in hell, you have the knowledge that you are being punished for "crimes" you have indeed committed, there is some sort of justification for your exquisite pain and suffering... But here I stand (cower?)..somehow stuck between a world where everyone, outwardly at least, lives their lives in some semblance of comfort, and the Heaven-or Hell-they all await... If Purgatory is bleak, the realm I inhabit is dark greys, blacks... If Purgatory is despair, my domain is utter hopelessness...a concentration camp of the mind and soul..of which there is no hope of freedom or salvation... All throughout my childhood I had a reoccurring dream that at once terrified and fascinated me...but as the years went by (and, consequently, having had this dream less and less) I became more and more curious, to the point of intrigue...intussusception....(how I wish I could experience it now!) In this dream, I was floating...and for years my first reaction was fear (of falling?)..but as time went on, I became aware of my (dream) surroundings-or lack of them, as it were..I was aware of a "body" of sorts, but I couldn't "see" it, or "touch" it...but I could somehow sense (it) some sort of essence... I would be "traveling".. At first, it was dark...I was outside-aware of the cold air, but not cold-and as I "traveled" more extensively, I became aware of the darkness receding at times... not unlike the effect of "catching up with the sun" when traveling over time zones...and over a period of time, I learned how to "control" my "flight", being able to visit and hover over places at will, but, interestingly not able to enter rooms or places where I may not have been welcomed-unable to practice any sort of voyeurism or transgress on others' privacy...unable to use my power to break any "natural" laws, but able to soar and hover at will amongst the clouds, or swoop to the ground at a whim... And, as a matter of course, the better I became at it, the more I longed for it,( and the older I got) I had this dream less and less...And as it slipped away from me (along with my innocence?) I became aware that, if there is such a thing as an "out-of-body experience, THAT is what I was having all those years... I don't know how that ties in with my dark place, except that the "realness" of that experience is comparable to the reality of this darkness I am in....And maybe rambling is just that-rambling... I Do believe that, as children, from day One, we are "programmed" to be certain ways, to follow certain paths...paths that are laid out to help us reach the goals that others have deemed important...necessary...you must (should) walk by this age...you must talk by this age...my God, if you don't send your kid to school by a certain age, you are breaking the law!!! And, god forbid, you allow your child to dally along this road, lest the child learned something that will be of no use to achieve Your goals..Your larger picture... I think there is so much that we are born with that is subliminalized by society and the "worldly" goals we are supposed to achieve, that we lose those abilities the more material we become... And speaking of Heaven and Hell (way back WHEN...), If what so many humans believe or, at least profess to be true-that there is a God and a Heaven waiting for us when our worldly demise comes, then there must be a method of transport... a way or method to take the essence that is "Us" from this physical body and transform it to...? ...And if there is a God, He/She seems to follow a practice of natural consequences (Newton's Law of equal and opposite reactions?) and, if this is true, then I have to assume that there is a natural explanation for this transformation-It's mysticality lies only in it's mystery-questions yet unanswered...but a natural gift nonetheless... And if I have proved nothing else in all this, I think I have made one thing painfully clear...that I need to talk to the doc about changing my med script... (:-s) posted by David | 5/22/2002 05:07:00 AM |
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